Letters to a Lover
by DatWinchesterPlaid
Summary: How do you say goodbye to someone you can't live without? You can't. It's impossible, or at least that's the way it feels to Steve as he watches Bucky board the train.


"B-But it's not _fair_," Steve whispers despairingly, wiping roughly at the tears that threaten to leak out.

Bucky's at loss for words, he's never seen Steve this distressed and a bit of him breaks knowing that it's because of him that Steve's like this. He pulls Steve into a tight hug, stroking his back soothingly.

"I'll be back. I'm promise," Bucky murmurs soothingly into Steve's ear.

Steve shakes his hand and a soft sob escapes him. He wants to believe him so badly, he does, but there's a feeling in his heart that Bucky won't come back. That he'll be left alone, spiraling off into darkness without Bucky there to catch him, to love him. (_The thought scares him more than he cares to admit_.) So he hugs Bucky, tighter and tighter, burying his head into his chest trying to memorize his scent, the way his hands feel against his back.

(_Trying to memorize the way he feels in Bucky's arm because if he di-. If he doesn't come back Steve will cling on to this memory, the two of them hugging like they won't ever see each other because maybe they won't.)_

Bucky gives Steve a tight squeeze, pulling back and ruffling his blond hair lovingly. Steve lets out a small laugh at the familiar gesture and looks up into Bucky's face, looking over every single detail, every single flaw.

He wants to memorize the way Bucky's glacier blue eyes look at him like he's his entire universe.

He needs to memorize that familiar smirk that sends shivers down his spine and makes him feel _wanted._

"How about a _'goodbye'_ kiss?" Bucky asks teasingly, though his smile is strained and his eyes are filled with unshed tears.

Steve lets out a broken laugh before replying, "Let's make it a _'see you'_ instead. I don't know how to say goodbye to someone I can't live without."

Bucky breaks at those words, shoulders slumping and he kisses Steve fiercely.

The world stops. (_Or does it? Bucky can't be bothered to care because Steve's lips are pressed against his and nothing really matters.)_

Bucky tries to convey every emotion he's feeling. The love, the regret, the fear that he won't come back to see Steve, to curl up with him in their tiny Brooklyn apartment kissing as if they had all the time in the world.

Steve tries to let Bucky know, without words and just his lips, that he loves him goddamnit and he better come back. That Bucky _has_ to come back. He _has_ to, or else…Steve deepens the kiss, needing Bucky to know that he has to come back to Steve's arms.

For both of them, the kiss tastes of regret and tears.

"ALL ABOARD!" the conductor yells and the moment is shattered.

They break apart reluctantly and slowly.

Bucky's smiles at the flustered look on Steve's face and reaches out, tracing his face lightly. He wants to remember his messy blonde hair, his sky blue eyes that take Bucky's breath away.

"I love you," Bucky whispers, kissing Steve again, softer this time.

"I love you too," Steve murmurs against Bucky's lips.

They break apart again, for real this time.

Steve feels a piece of his heart shatter as they do.

"Don't forget to write. And for the love of God, try not to pick any fights with people twice your size," Bucky laughs, his voice cracking.

"I'll write every single day and well, I can't exactly promise that, Buck," Steve hiccups, a small grin on his face.

Bucky gives Steve a sad smile, grabs his bags, and walks off.

It strikes Steve then as he watches Bucky get in line with other soldiers who are weeping too, that he's going to _war._

War which means fighting with enemy soldiers who will kill him without hesitation.

(Who will kill his Buck and not give a fuck about Steve's nightmares afterwards.)

War which has bullets that can go through anything and _kill_ people.

(Killing the man that keeps him alive every day.)

Bombs that blow soldiers up sending them to a fiery death.

(A death that Bucky doesn't deserve.)

Bucky is going to war.

With bullets, bombs, and soldiers who will shoot him and walk over his body.

(Not caring to look in his empty blue eyes that stole Steve's breath away.)

He's going to die.

Steve breaks as he comes to this conclusion.

He's sobbing now, harder than ever has before; harder than he did when his mother died.

He has to save Bucky.

Steve needs him, _needs_ him, like he needs oxygen to survive.

Bucky's going to war and he will die.

Something cracks inside Steve and suddenly he's wailing and screaming for Bucky not to go.

Begging, _pleading_, and Bucky hears him.

Bucky turns around right before boarding the train, no longer able to block out Steve's cries. Steve is on the floor, reaching out to him, and tears are running down his face and his small frame is shaking. Bucky's knuckles are bone white because he's clenching them so hard and he suddenly wishes he hadn't turned around, had just left.

Because _this_ isn't how he wanted to leave; he doesn't want to see Stevie broken and sobbing on a dirty floor, so much pain in his body, too much pain. Bucky aches to walk off the train and run to Steve, gathering him into his arm, lay soft kisses on his face, his hands, his eyes, his lips, all of him.

But he has a duty to his country and he can't. The only thing he can do is try to make it back to Stevie so he can see his smile again, bandage the injuries that are sure to be there because Steve can never stay out of trouble.

_'I love you'_ Bucky thinks and he mouths the words, yells them until his lungs are hoarse and the other soldiers are looking at him with empathy.

His words get lost in the train station among the wailing of those being left behind and it hurts, that Steve will never know how he screamed his love until his throat hurt.

And then he does something he hates himself for, he turns his back on Steve, on his pain, and boards the train. Steve's wails haunt him as he walks onto the train and finds his seat, guilt gnawing at his heart.

How do you say goodbye to someone you can't live without?

You can't.

It's impossible, or at least that's the way it feels to Steve as he watches Bucky board the train. Bucky's mouth is moving but he can't hear him amid the roaring in his ears and the chaos at the station.

The train starts moving and Steve reaches out to Bucky as his window passes by and he looks at Steve through the glass a broken and guilty expression to his face, briefly putting his hand against the window pane.

The train speeds up and he's gone.

Bucky is gone.

And Steve is alone.

He stops screaming, stops crying, because his world is out of balance and he doesn't know what to do.

He doesn't know how to survive without Bucky.

Bucky is gone.

Steve starts shaking and the sobs are back again, more hysterical this time.

He starts to run after the train, away from where Bucky left him standing.

He passes the women and children who are running.

He passes the security guard that's shouting for him to stop.

He pushes past people, running until he can't.

He stops when he's shaking badly and can barely breathe.

The train is gone.  
Bucky is gone and he isn't coming back.

Steve's world tilts and he suddenly feels sick.

The world is spinning and he needs Bucky, needs something.

Black dots start to encompass his vision and his last thought before he crumples to the dirty station floor is about Bucky.

(_His thoughts are always about Bucky.)_


End file.
